1. Everyone laughs at the fat girl.
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2. You'll look good in everything.
3. You'll be pure.
4. You'll have more money.
5. People will envy you.
6. People will notice you.
7. You wont go to the toilet much.
8. You will have control.
9. People wont moan when you sit on them.
10. You will no longer be remembered as 'the girl who could eat shitloads and isnt 'fat'.
11. People will want to know you.
12. P e r f e c t i o n.
13. You'll have a huge gap in your boots.
14. You thighs wont touch.
15. Hip bones.
16. You will be fragile
SO i was planning opn fasting today but i sucked so i ended up breaking. I think i am just at home too often to fast that much. I will be able to when i am working full time and three jobs in dec and jan but right now its tough. So for now i am just gonna make sure i work my ass of daily at the gym and eat under 800 a day im hoping.
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What ive eaten today:
one table spoon peanut butter 190 cals
five cups smartfood popcorn 500/600 cals
two pickles 0 cals
one mountain dew
one diet coke
8 milk duds.
SO in all i SUCK. tomorrow i will do better though. Tonight im gonna go work out for an hour and work it all off!
o for everyone who has signed up for
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"okay so today is ONE DAY DOWN on my
plan for the summer.
I am planning that all summer I am eating only 300-400 calories
So that is from July 30 to August 28.
I will probably do some fasts over the month that only
last for about a day or two.
anyone want to join?
GET GORGEOUS FOR SCHOOL!"
we are starting tomorrow!
and good luck!
everyone will look so fit and amazing in their new clothes for school(:
`one of the best excersises to increase blood flow to your skin is running, so I would suggest running to keep up your complection through all of this intense fasting.
`also lunges and crunches when you wake up and go to bed will tighten your thighs, abs and butt.
`have any sugestions you want to do all together? leave a comment!
Since we are restrcting for such a long time,
I am taking care of my skin and here is how you can too:
`use a cleanser twice a day; a foam cleanser will work better.
`use an exfoliator twice a week to get rid of blackheads and create a healthy glow.
`ALWAYS use sunscreen.
`your skin will become chapped so use lotion every night before bed- when you skin will absorb it more.
`ALSO when you can, eat food that will clear you skin such as :
lean protein (chicken, fish, turkey, beans, eggs, low-fat milk and cheese), vitamin C (oranges, grapefruit, strawberries, broccoli), omega-3 fatty acids [THE GOOD FAT!] (salmon, tuna, spinach, walnuts), and Fiber (brown rice, whole fruit, whole-grain cereal).
`change your pillow case every week.
!!Your skin will start to lose all of the glow so try to follow the tips!!
THINK THIN LOVELIES!
Hey girls. sorry i havnt posted ina while. been hanging out with a new boy! : D whom says he loves my cury body dail on the hour. UGH. thts really nice. but no. its changing haha for the better. but still hes just so sweet and i love it, he makes me feel very confident and comfertable, not used to that! haha
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Anyway, on a more important note. Okay so i have about one month of uni and then one month left of travel in australia. My goal is to still lose 10k- or 20 pounds ish. I feel that its time now to live or die kinda deal. Like i really just need to give in a stick to it. I was doing really good as you guys knew for a while there, i lost six pounds and was feeling great. Then i broke my diet one day and it went down hill from there and then aftyer i met the boy i stopped running. but i want it back. i was on such a high and doing so well for the first time ever. at leats it gives me confidence now that i can do it! So i wonder if i really restrict to under 500 cals a day (of fruits or drinks) and make sure i run or jog a for an hour each morning then hopefully i can get boney for when i walk off that plane!
What do you girls suggest i do for the next few months?! im really good when someone tells me what to do, im more abliged to follow it. so if you could maybe tell me what i should do for the next motnh or two to make sure i lose those 10k before i get back to america. maybe also some suggestions on how to stay strong and stay away from food. this really means the world to me. this goal would make me so happy and i feel i am an utterfailure if i dont complete it. this is the main reason i was happy to study abroad so i could change myself.
HELP pleae girls!
p.p.s. even when i get my stummy skinny what are good tummy exercises to make it look more tone once its getting smaller?
i want to cry so bad and im holding back as much as i can. I am sitting in the lving room of my terrace and all i want to do is curl up and cry. I am watching this show called the truth bout size zero and it love it and hate it. oh! at the moment there is a commercial on about sexual assult and i hate it because i know i have been there and had that happen and stillc ant blame anyone bu8t myself for it. Anyw ay. this girl wants to prove about how emotional destructive and unhelahty having an eating disorder is and how much the world pressurers girl to be this siz ethat is terribly unhealthy and deathly. since she started. She cant eat any carbs. She can onbly eat green foods. she has already lost 8 pounds in two weeks. she even went to this hoe.. weeks thre nine ounds gone. She went to this plae where girls with eating disorders live and it was so sad. it made me want to cry. this girl that was age 12 had anorexia for three years. then there was another girl who was bulimc for two years and was there. sometime i think to myself that i dont haver an ED buyt i know deep in my heart i do because all i thkn about 24 7 is food. this girl; has become emotionally craxzy and i relate to it way to much its hard watching this. i have been crying and getting depresed over sooooo many things and i hate it. she says she feels guilty about eatinga nything.he mind has changed about heating and dieting and how her mind has changed. she says she has no energy and is very tired. god even as iw atch this i i see how much she is desprete to show peiople how much this is killing peopel and how bad that size zero is in america etc but yet all i want to do still is be a size zero. this shows me how much i dohave an ED even thoughi still dont want to believ it. i feel i shouldnt be lucky enough to be called having an ED because i am not skinny enough to have an ED. I have been bulimic for the past thre eyars and def most recently i eat meals with the plan out throwing it up or i start the day and make sxure i ddont eat anythign. She feels auful and fragile. i feel so alone and i just wish i could talk to someone. she works out evrydya and eats nothing but greens. maybe if i eat nothing but greens for a couple weeks and go join the god damn gym i will lose the weight iw ant. i hate who i am and i hate being fat anbd i hate being alone. i want to go to barrys bootcamp. 52 hours that she had worked out and eating less than 800 calories a day. did you know that sex drives go away when you diet? i wish it didnt because i lov ehaving sex and wish i did more, hahaha
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Okay so i had chocolate last night. Didnt plan on it or ask for it but it was hard to avoid! I had a boy come over to hang out and cuddle and he brought chocolate!! I put it away but then half way through hanging out he opened it and we ate it. I felt bad saying no because he basiclaly fed it to me so i ate choclate last night. Butttt today i have been doing great and i am going to walk 10 k!
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I actually got out of bed today by about 1pm hahah. I didnt go to bed until 3 or 4 or something so it was fair! its actually a good thing because that way i didnt eat anything all morning and afternoon!! its almost two oclock and i have had my diet pills and one cup of cheerios. and a small easter eggg! hehe. I feel very skinny and im gonna make myself even tinier by eating nothing else today and going for extra joggings today! I am so pumped. itys seems so easy. For the first time im just stayig strong and not eating when im not hungry. Which worls wonders for me because i am never hungry! Like i ate cheerios after i took my pills only because i wanted to make sure i eat soemthing little at least to keep my motabolism up! I hope i can keep this up for a long time and hopefully the pounds will fall right off then i will be confident enough and can book my tickets up to the goldcoast and be able to wear a bathing suit in front of the hottie! up there on the beach!
My goal this week is to be 58k by the end of the week. yesterday i was 61 (at night). So i have to make sure i lose 5ish pounds this week and i have confidence i can do that! here we goooo!! wish me luck! love love!
Okay well lets see here. the other day i did really well. all i ate yesterday was two thin rice cakes, one banana, tea and diet coke. i was really proud of myself, amy and i also went for an hour brisk walk again. were doing really good at walking everyday, i sure hope it pays off, that 5k a day! thats good!!
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last night was horrible though. i had a drunken binge. i bought chocolate cookies and peanutbutter and had two sandwhiches and was gonna throw it all up but then passed out in my bed. i felt so sick and discusting this morning. i was doing soooo good. but im gonna get over it. im gonna forgive myself for doing such a stupid drunken mistake and never do it again. i wont drink just for the fact that i never want to do that again because when im sober ive been very strong since amy and i stared and i dont want to ruin that. So today i am gonna run some extra along with the 5k with amy! that will make up for it. AND i havnt eaten anything today at all so i am doing well. i am writting right now because i want to eat and purge soooo bad but i shouldnt and cant!! i need to stay strong.
tomorrows goal: one banana, one cup cereal and then water water water and of course my diet pills and 10k hopefully!!
i should try and do a morning run as well as one at night with amy! wish me luck.
So Amy and I jsut fast walked (til we were huffing and sweating!) for seven k's!! that is about five miles or more! that is so good and soo much i am so happy!! It felt soo good. Then when we got back to thge house we did some stretching and then amy sat down. I continued though! I did some crunches and some hip exercies and then some butt exercises. ANnnnd i sit squats and lunges! it felt great. Then we sat down for a bit to eat for dinner. I am not eating after seven anymore so i had about 20 cheerios, and a banana. I took my last two pills right before we ran. i can feel my stomach growl and i love it!!
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What i have eaten today:
four diet pills
3 cups cheerios
2 pieces of lettuce!!
Its about seven oclock at night and i wont eat anymore. My stomach feels empty and awesome! I am going to watch a movie and have some tea if i feel really hungry. Then i have to go to work at 11! yeah yeah yeah!
I am so stoked right now! My friend Amy is going on a detox and i am kidn of doing one along with her but just more of a diet but it is somehting we can do together. She has bought this detox kit where she has to eat certain foods and take certain pills at times of the day . So i am going to take my hotrox and make sure to diet just the same. We went shoping together today for foods and got everything healthy and only things that are on our diets. I am so excited too. I really feel like i can do it this time with finally having someone else by my side helping me out! Also we are going to make sure we walk at least an hour or brisk walk jog a day. I want to lose 10kilo which is like 20 pounds and i know i can do it if i keep up with exercise (eat less than i say i am) and take the diet pills! I can not weight to see effects from this!
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Here is a list of the foods i am eating.
- Morning dose of hotrox +liter water before breakfast
Breakfast: One cup of multigran cheerios
Lunch: One of the following: banana, two carrots, watermelon or an apple
- Afternoon dose of hotrox and one liter water
Dinner: mint tea!
No eating after six PM and i have lettuce to snack on when i get hungry and a journal to write in as well,... along with any of you girls who want some support i am gonna come on here when i get hungry!
Please help me out if any one has some words of encouragement. For the first time ever this is something i want more than anything else in my life right now. I want to lose 10k before i return to America! Pray!
I am doing really well today. I had two hotrox in the morning and then some water. Then for lunch i had some cheerios and i had half a corrot. In a hour or so i am going to take the next hotrox and do some exercie and then have teat tonight!
here i go, i know i can do this!! Wish me the best!
So i suck basically. I just ate two peanut butter sandwhiches and some chips and then got sick. My stomach feels so good and empty now though. Even though now i want to eat again. Whats wrong with me? Why is it so hard to just not eat food. All i want to do is stay away from food. That is the last time i ever buy peanutbutter ever!!
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I am going camping tomorrow with amy and i am gonna start taking my diet pills again. I onlyt have one bottle and so im nervous to use them up then i wont have any left. I hope they work good this time. i hate making so many empty promises to myself. i am gonna try and eat healthier. not fast since that dosnt work for me cause i always binge and pruge and its a vicious cycle for me. I need to start going out and exercising. i think this will be a good start camping with amy. we will be hiking everyday!
So today has been alright. I have eaten one pb sandwhcih but that is all. I feel skinnier, since i only ate once yesterday but thrw it up, and then the only other thing had was coronas last night, which are negative calories so it wasnt so bad! SO either way, today has been good so far. i am gonna keep it up and keep drinking water. Today i am going grocery shopping for my trip this week. I am going to get only healhty foods! and then i will restrict and eat very little while im on this trip, go do sit up or something in my tent or wrtie in my journal, that always makes me feel best. so yeah, wish me luck on slowly but surley going from one sandwhich a day, to one apple a day, to nothing but water by the end of next week per day! I have courage that i can do this! i can always use your support and would love any encouage ment on how to stay on liquids only!
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Alright so camp went pretty wel. I am sorry i dont have my exact food contents. They are in my journal somewhere but they are all pretty much the same for each day. I brought ten carrots, five apples, a small jar of pb and then gatorade mix. I was also given some rice cakes with pb on the for dinner. People were forcing me to eat and i think i didnt pretty well, i just kept telling them i wasnt feeling good or that i had alreayd ate and then id make somehting up. So all of the above that i have written was eaten over the course of four days which i dont think was so bad. I drank lots of water plus, the whole week i was climbing and walking all over the place during the day so i think i def burned a lot of calories as well!
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When i got back it was bad scene. I bought a loaf and bread and pb (this is my weakness) i had about 3 sandwhcies and then got sick. Then had one for dinner and some chocolate eggs and then got sick. I cant help it, i am officially full on bulimic again. In the past three weeks i have been throwing up at leats once a day. oh yeah and this is one thing that made me officially know i was back into the bulmic cycle- i went and thrw up my dinner on the trip one night (the rice cakes and pb) in this gross dingy campig ground bathroom! You know you have issues when you will get your face that close to one of those toilets! gross!
Well yeah so sinc ei got back on sunday i have gone through a loaf and half of bread and jar of pb but most of it never stayed in me so i dont think i have really gained any weight from it which is good but the goal is to lose weight not just stay the same! im a stupid fuck i know!
yesterday wasnt too bad, i had a mcflurry from mcdonalds and a sandwhich for dinner but threw it all up. I had a bowl of cereal in themorning but i kept that one down which i was happy about! Then i had water after that for the rest of the day and a diet coke. I am trying to give up diet coke because i drink wayy to much of it and i know vomiting is already ruining my teeth so why must i add coke to ruin them as well, i love my teeth! So i am trying not to drink too much of it. I finished off my slab of it on sunday night and then i didnt buy anymore slabs. So i went about three days without one and then i bought one yesterday, but i was proud of myself,i think i can really do it this time. Each time i have a craving i am going to make sure i have water instead or somehting else. its going well so far. PLUS when you have it when you havnt had it in a while, it is soo much better tasting, so its like a little treat once in a while, and it wont cost me any carbs or anything!
Okay so i decided to go on this liquid fast with this other girl on proana. i was doing really god today but then i had a piec eof bread with pb on it. I still feel pretty skinny which is good though. havnt eaten anything and my stomach is growling at me, oh how i loveee that sound so much! I feel like i had failed already but then again i dont feel too bad because im slowly trying to get to full on ana and this is a good start. If i keep up with nothing else today i will be happy, only about 6 hours to go!! And then tomorrow i will go with nothing but crystal light and water! I know i can do it! How come anas and mias are always putting it off? Does any one else every feel like everyday you say the words, tomorrow i will, tomorrow i will do this or this will happen. why does it never happen today?! its a very rare thing that what i say i am doing for the day gets accomplished, its always puished off until tomorrow because i fail time after time! i am through with failing! i want to win and look goooood. I feel like i have been able to feel my hip bones more now! thats a good thing because it gives me more courage to get through this day with out food so that tomorrow and the day after i will see my bones more and more each day hoepfully!
Oh god i cant wait to be boney! i want to go home and be boney! pray for me that i am able to do this! I have togo shopping for food for my next trip but its goingt o be good food and im going to eat minumal as i can, mostly apples, and carrots and lettuce and some pb for a few carbs in there, rice cakes too! good things! then i can fast for like a week after that cause i dont have any trips or any school at that!
Feels soo good ot write in here i love it! thanks no one for lsiteing to my blabber! silence is golden
A MOMENT ON THE LIPS FOREVER IN THE HIPS -death! NOTHING TASTE AS GOOD AS THIN FEELS! -live by it
heres to the strong, thanks to the brave, dont give up hope, some people change, against all odds against the grain some people change- thats from the song i was listening to right now, and i think it works perfect for how i feel! I dont want to be a drunk or mia anymore! i want to be a fun tipsy ana! hehe i will change, you will see it in my eyes and in my face and in my body has that has slowly been disapearing! *thank god for those who make it*
I have been craving church latley! I dont know why. i feel i just really need soemone right now i can lean on and i know will know everything without me even need to explain myelf and give rationalizing to. he knows me and evrything i go through. i just really want to find a church and go to it and it will put me at ease i know for sure in some sense it will!
I am starting from scratch! My goal from here on is is to update my journal as much as i can, hopefully daily, except for when i go on trips! I am leaving fora trip tomorrow so i cant update for four days but i will make sure to right down what i eat and post it when i get back!
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My goal is to lose 30-40 pounds by the time i go back to the United States, that is about four months! It would be best if i could lose 30 in three because for that last one my brother is going to be coming down so i would like to get skinny before then. I know i can do it! I have no restriction and no one around to bug me about not eating or that know anything about my past! Its wonderful. And logically its a better idea to save and spend my moeny on traveling and fun things and drinks, rather than food, since i hate food anyway!! perfect right? thought so!
So far today: 6 saladas (equal out to four salteens a piece) and a bit of peanut butter on each one.
two handfulls of m&m's
-feeling very sick though today (diahria and stomach aches) yuckky i know-
Yesterday: 5 saladas and peanut butter
three handfull sof m&ms and
two diet cokes and
one bottle of champain
Monday: thre pieces of white bread
one and a half peanut butter sandwhiches
large bowl of ice cream
BINGE all of that...
one diet coke
I dont know how much i weigh right now since i dont have acces to a scale but i think its between 130-136 somewhere. Hopefully getting down soon!
Over the next four days i will be climbing and camping and i will bring with me to eat
-6 carrots cut up into tiny pieces so they take longer to eat and chew
-frootloops for breakfast
-water and water and water!
Okay well thats a long post already so i wills top there but i hope i can stick to what i have said above and start on my journey towards by goal! <3 love thin
Hunger hurts but starving works!
Okay its officially time for a new start! I have spent all day online looking at thinpiration, skinny girls and jounrals from xanga to livejournal reading up on tips and encouragement. i am ready to start fasting and getting to my goal weight that i have alwasy dreamed of. I am living by myself down here in Australia for the next five months and my goal for this time period is to lose 30 pounds by the time i go back to the united states. I feel it is very attainable and i will do it! Today i started with no breakfast which went very well. then i had two diet pills wwhen i woke up. then i had 40 frootloops and a diet coke. I was feeling great and cleaned my room for a while and got everything in my room very orginized and it felt great! i have been wearing around the house a sports bra and my victoria secrets pj bottoms, so that i can see how fat i am and picture at the same time how skinny i can be! Its very good thing, it works well. Except i had two bowls of cereal for dinner, yuck! i ate two large bowls of cereal! I wish i hadnt but i am going to go for a walk later tonight, i figure for the first day of me having ccourge and hope that i can get down to 110 its not too shabby. so totally for the whole day i will have eaten 40 frootloops, two bowsl of cereal and two diet cokes. thats not to bad to start off right now! im pretty happy with it. As long as i go tout for a nice long hour walk tonight then i will be satisfied and tomorrow i will eat nothing at all! Maybe i will allow myself a freeze pop or something but no food at all! i know i can do it! if anyone wants to very join me for a fast i will def be up for that! well i will update as soon i can!
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Two things that keep me encouraged to lose weight:
1. that for the first time i will be able to wear everything in my closet and look cute! i will be able to feel confident and feel that i look good in just about anything i put on!
2. once i am skinny enough then i will love myself, and once i learn to love myself, i will be able to accept the fact that other tlove me for who i am as well! which open a lot of doors for me and for ones hwo love me! xo
3. and finally... i will be able to spend a night with christopher and feel sexy and seductive. i would love to be able to put on a little sexy thing and come up and make his jaw drop as my clothes drop! i want to be able to put him in aw and make him speechless by my drop dead sexy body! I want to look hot for hot and have other be jelous that he has such a beautiful and sexy girlfriend!
...yep and thats about it! Wehn i am back in the staes, i will walk off the plane and people will not be able to not mention something about how good i look and how much weight i have lost! I cant wait.... single digets here i come! xoxox
think and dream thin and you can achieve it!
new quote to get me threw: WHY PUT OFF TOMORROW WHAT YOU CAN START TODAY
[url=http://www.3fatchicks.com/weight-tracker/] [img]http://www.3fatchicks.net/img/bar-chicks/cartoonstar01/lb/148/110/134/.png[/img] [/url]
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this is great and i am going to get my gosh darn little star to the end! I know i can do it and will! fast fast fast!
Oh yeah i am going to try and come and write on here more this year because i have made a new friend on here and want to keep track of proana sites to help me get through the summer. No one else in the world can understand. the one person i could tell anything to is working in maine all summer and im stuck here in mass alone and scared. he knew things would get worse when i came home because my mom competes with me to lose weight which i love but he dosnt and it has come true. All i can think about it losing weight and looking good for him when he comes back to school in sept with me. but i know i am not going to get there ina healthy way but yo0u know what i dont care because hes not here to tell me not to do that or this so all i have is these girls here online and they will help me. no one around me here can i turn to at all. So here i am confiding my feeling and my life into a computer. i will lose weight and i will look hot. By the end of summer i will be below 120 and be independent again, just in case my bf decides to break my heart this summer i will be ready! well must go to bed so i can get to the gym at 7am!
i find this pretty disturbing....
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I was doing fine this summer. with eating and such. I had a membership to a gym and was using it then it ran out and i got kidn of lazy but in the past month or so i have no been mia and havnt been eating too horrible because i was trying to comtrol my eating habits on my own. i was so busy with babysitting all the time or other than that i would sleep or try and go to the gym that i totally forgot about mia. Now that i started thinking about how i was not being mia anymore i have started up again. Its like i missed throwing up, how sick is that? I mean that is just twisted. I was okay woth foods and such and i was doing good on a diet of restricting all my food intake and then when i started thinking about mia again i binged like crazy today and then got sick.
I feel like such a sick and twisted person it makes me sick.... I cant belive that i was fine and away from my ED for a while and then once it poped in my head that i wasnt doing it anymore i took back up on that horrible habit. I still have that sick gross smell in my mouth right now from after you get sick. Sorry if this is to gross for some people but some may understand me. Anyway i am so mad at myself right now. I just want to be Skinny, thats all i am thinking about and its driving me insane. help!
Wow today was horrible in a sense of food and diet but in all other ways good. I babysat this morning for one family and it went very well then i went and got my cousin and went to babysit my fav family and we went swimming at my camp which was a lot of fun. I love swimming and when your with kids in the water and all it makes your forgot about being cold or other crap that you might wine about when its just you. So i had lots of fun today with then down there. Then Chelsea and I went to Olympia to look for sneakers for me. I really thought most of the sneakers were ugly but then i spotted awesome ones on cleance and lucky me they had my size as the one on display and it fit great and look nice and felt good and to my suprise when she went to get the other one for me she said it was the very last pair! Boy was that lucky and plus they were only 35 dollers because they were on clearance! Score for Me!
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I ate cheerios this morn, and then 10 goldfish and some lemonade before lunch.
After lunch at 3 sandsiches with peanut butter then throw up, then later in the day ate a fruit roll up, 2 bolws of cereal, half sandwich and a mcflurry ice cream and then felt sick honestly and made myself throw up. I havnt binged like that in so long and i was doing well for a day or two there haha. I am so mad at myself right now. but i did go to the gym tonight and run a mile with my new sneakers so that was a plus. Well i cant wait for the morning when i wake up and go work out and eat right all day, it will feel just wonderful! Good luck to me, i am going to try my hardest to stick to it this time!
Oh yeah and tomorrow i am going to the Zooooooooooooooo! wehoo, i am hope to ride an elephant, yipipie! <3
Today has been good so far. I woke up earyl to go to the gym but then got a call saying i didnt have to babysit so i went back to bed and then was going to getup for church but ended up sleeping, woops. So now i am up and cleaning my room and such. i am about to head off to the gym, goal is for one mile treadmile and 2 or 3 miles on eliptical. Good luck to me.... I havnt eaten anything yet which is great, yeah for me. I love the feeling of an empty stomach, makes me feel like im getting somewhere and losing weight. I miss this feeling, i forgot hoe great it felt! Well im off!
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p.s. i made 280 dollers this week in babysitting, wehoo! Thats more than i normally make but im so stoked cause i really need it,plus i just got a check from school for 25, so i already have over 300 dollers ready to go into the bank! yeah for me!
Today i babysat all day when really i was planning and told that i was only goning to be there for a few hours. I got there at 11 30 and just got home at 6. They paid me in a hundred doller bill last night for yesterday and today but they are going to pat me a little more for today, tomorrow when i babysit! Man i "work" so much and let me tell you is gets the bets pay than any job i have ever had before. Babysit for wealthy people with many kids, you hit it big! haha
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Started a liquid diet today but being around kids and junk food all day i broke it, but i ate a lot less than yesterday. As boring as it is i am going to try and write in here daily what i eat and when i work out. I was lazy this morn since i knew i was working all weekend so i didnt go to the gym.
This is what i ate
8 cheeze its
10 sour skittles
3 bowls of cereal (one each meal)
.....I didnt eat that much which is very good and somehow i still feel really full, which makes me realize that every other day i have eaten a lot, i dont feel just full after because i ate its because i was never hungry in the first place. i am never hungry! I just eat because its what your suppose to do and its what others do. it sucks. Tomorrow i am going to try and stick to just water and it i do eat anything im gonna make sure is something healthy, like a starwberry! Is what i ate today that horrible? I am going to run maybe tonight or tomorrow morning like 3 miles.
Chris V called me today while i was making pasta for the kids to see if i wanted to go out tonight and chill. I havnt seen him in a while but i dont feel like going to drink and i dont want to lie to my rents, specially since we had a little fall outlike a week agao about trust and shit. I am also babysiting early tomorrow morn so... I got an email from Dan this morning when i woke up! It always makes me smile to hear from him., I think about him so much its odd. We arnt together but in some way it seems like we are. Like i think about dating other boys and some want to date me and i think to myself hey why not kelly? but even if i did i feel like most of my mind would still be on dan. i would feel guilty even though i wasnt doing anything wrong. I trust him so much, hes at camp with a gazillion girls yet i have no doubt in my mind that he is being totaly loyal to me even though hes free to do whatever he wants. I have been thinking a lot lately too about Curt. Which makes me feel guilty( with the whole dan thing) He and I are one of those things that i regret and look back on a lot and wonder, i hate it. We are still good freinds and im glad we keep in touch but im really sad hes leaving for CO for college and in a way which i shouldnt be bummed he has a gf right now. I took advantage of him when i had him, oh well, things happen for a reason and now i have the most amazing guy dan. I cant wait to see him again when school comes around.
I have no social life realy right now and to tell you the truth I DONT CARE. I babysit a lot and talk a lot with the people i bbaysit for heheand then i hang out with my cousin whos turning 13. But hey you know what those people are people who love me and make me feel good. I never feel left out ot out of place with them i just feel love, so i have no complaints. I get to play with awesome kids all day long and make money for it, what could be better?!
So yeah anyway.... im back for those people who care to read this crap journal i keep... i swear to wrtite in it more, hopefully once a day to at least write down what i have eaten, maybe it will help me stay away from the food, knowing that i have to report it somewhere in writting. Thanks journal for letting me type all this crap down and get it out of my head sincs i never say this all outloud!
Things have been so rough lately. I am really putting all my hope in that fact that things will change when i go home, for the better that is. For the past three days things have become out of control. I cant not eat a meal without throwing it up. The other dya i think i had like four meals and each time i would be in the bathroom right after. Why cant i just not eat those damn meals and everything would be good. Today i felt horrible, Dan took me out to Ihop and i got pancakes and ate them all, then he said he had to go to the bathroom so i said i would go to and he asked if i would "be alright" and i was like, yeah of course i will. I was palnning on not throwing up but then once i walked in the bathroom it was just an instinct to go throw up in the toilet. I fell like i use the bathroom more after meals than i ever do to just go to the bathroom anytmore, haha oh geez. Anyway... yeah i have been good though when im not eatinga meal with friend i have been just drinking water or diet coke, I really need to kick this diet coke thing, i feel and have been told that my matabolism with be so much better if i stop drinking it. OH!.. another thing. I saw Kate today and she has just come from from having mono for almost three weeks. I hadnt seen her in so long. She is very skinny in the first place and when i saw her she was wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt but i could see her sholder sticking out like it was a single bone. Onviousy she lost a lot of weight when she has mono, which for her is prob not too healthy but still i looked at her and wanted to be that skinny. I always hope i get mono. How horribel is that?! Everyone i know, including my own brother lost ten to thirty pounds when they had it. I want to have it so i can just lose wieght! I am out of school this friday so i wont have to go to the cafe anymore with friends and eat in front of them. it will be great. Im gonna write down my goals for the summer right now and hopefully stick by them....
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-Buy gym membership and go at least once a day to an hour cardio session, maybe even twice if i have the time
-Eat only fruits and veggies and some cheerios
-Only drink water and juices, no SODA!!
-Work so much that i dont even have time to eat, just keep myself very busy!
-Dont eat ice cream!
I think i can do it if i just keep my mind on things. Everything is going to be so much different when im home. I wont have any beer so there goes a few calories out the window too! haha. Wish my luck that my wiehgt goes down and my feeling go up ASAP, because i really need it, im going to go insane here soon if i stay the way i am, feeling and looking like hell everytime my eyes see that reflection in the mirror. I make a vow right now that starting this friday i will not purge as much. Onc ei am home i can not because my rents will find out because its their bathroom too! So as of friday i will try my hardest to focus on not eating this shit, so that i dont have to throw up. Ana here i come!!
I went with Dan today down to his parents house. I met his mother and we gave her the kitten dan had gotten her for mothers day. She loved it so much and named it Daliela. It was really cute, and it made me so happy, i felt like i was part of someone family when i know i wasnt, i just got this amazing feeling being there talking with his mom and hanging out. It was awesome! She invited me to come back anytime and Dan is going to take me out for a ride on the pony he has, i guess he a wild one and hard to ride so i want to try! haha... im just gonna get myself hurt hehe. I fell asleep on his lap on the way back home, it was really cute. He makes me happy. He also took my to ihop for dinner which was really nice because he knows how much i love breakfast foods!